Welcome to Priesty's Chelsea FC  Refuge - In memory of Matthew Harding

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Welcome to Priesty's Refuge. Founded in 1996 by a long-suffering fan, it's an unofficial, totally independent site dedicated to Chelsea Football Club. I can't think of anything else other than a slightly daft allegiance to a football club that would inspire me to maintain a web site for fourteen years, in spite of both the constant hindrance of the idiot known as Dr Les, and some very unwelcome attention from organisations (including the FA) who are too stupid and blinded by greed to see fan sites as anything other than competition.

In spite of all the crap, I'm still here. Why ? It's simple. Brazilian Legend Pele summed it up when he famously described football as "The Beautiful Game". It still is, just about, despite the worst efforts of the pack of commercial hyenas who are happily milking it to death. If you're depressed by the hypocrisy of the media, sick of being spoon-fed the PR garbage churned out by the Club, or fed up with players and managers resorting to blatant cheating in order to win at all costs, then here you will find an antidote.

This could take the form of counter-rumour, slander, wild conjecture, childish tantrums or a bilious mixture thereof. We'll leave it to you to decide whether it's the media, the Club or me and Les who are nearer the truth. If you're looking for a fan's-eye view of the daily circus that surrounds Chelsea Football Club, then you've come to the right place. Fuck 'em all, United, West ham, Liverpool. We are the CHELSEA and WE ARE THE BEST.


Right, let's get on with it, shall we ?

10th October 2011
Sad Day

As you can see I haven't updated this site for nearly a year. This isn't because I'm too busy or have been banged up or anything like that; it's my general disillusionment with what's happenning to the game. Chelsea Football Club is not what it was, and although I appreciate that change isn't necessarily a bad thing, the changes that have happened at Chelsea are not making me happy and most fans who were around before the Big Bang (i.e. the TV money) will probably say the same thing.

Why do I say this ? Two main reasons: 1) the culture of Win At All Costs and what this is doing to the game; 2) The exploitation of fans by the unholy alliance of club and commercial interests who see a cash cow and are determinedly milking it to death.

Plenty has already been said on these subjects so I will try to keep to the point, which is that all the exploitation has really produced is star players on stupid money misbehaving to the point where most of them appear to be suffering from serious personality disorders. Surely I can't be the only fan who is sick of players blatantly cheating and generally behaving like they require a straitjacket every time a decision goes against them ? What a bunch of cunts. Personally I would rather watch a team consisting of YTS players than the likes of Rooney, Tevez and Torres, and I really mean that.

Then there is the shit from the club itself. When I was a kid I hated being treated badly by the club, but put up with it because the atmosphere and the football were generally of a very high standard, at least that's how I remember it. Unfortunately, even though we are now forced to pay upwards of 50 to watch a game we ares till being treated like shit by the club. It starts right when you buy the ticket, which contains a warning in large writing, stating that "Persistent Standing Is Not Allowed." Jesus H Christ ! What the FUCK ?? Is it just me who's outraged by this ???

I could go on but I can't be arsed. So there it is - I will not be attending matches at Stamford Bridge for the foreseeable future. Instead I will be spending time on the terraces at Cheltenham Town, whose manager earns less in a year than Rooney does in two days but is ten times the person Rooney will ever be. Possibly I will return to Chelsea, but not until the ridiculous TV bubble bursts. Hopefully there will still be a Chelsea Football Club following this, but I doubt it.


6th December 2010
Time For a WikiLeak At Stamford Bridge

I'm heartily sick of all the smartarsed, facetious theories that have been thrown my way recently as to why Chelsea are suddenly shite. These execrable offerings have ranged from the sublime: "not enough bumming in the showers" (a classic) all the way up to the ridiculous: "Roman is ordering Ancelotti to deliberately throw matches so's he can make a killing at Mr Ladbroke's".

Give me bleeding strength. One idiot even suggested that Ray Wilkins had been the real brains at Stamford Bridge and that when he was fired he took all the tactics diagrams with him, leaving the club minus a coach and Ancelotti's key needing a good wind. Well all these clever bastards can go and fuck themselves. I am not panicking as I have been around the block a few times and have seen this type of dive in form happen many times before.

Believe you me, readers, it's only a matter of time before the MIGHTY BLUES go on an almighty blitz back to the top, starting with Rottenham at Three Point Lane this weekend and encompassing massive defeats of Bumnal and Moan Utd on the way. Never forget: we are the Chelsea and we are the best, we are the Chelsea and much better than the fucking rest.


3rd December 2010
No Smoke Without FIFA

The World Cup shenanigans of the past few days have got me going enough to put pen to paper once again. My main beef is not that the tasteless bandwagon that is the World Cup roadshow was awarded to Russia, a country where one cannot differentiate between the activities of the government and organised crime, but the fact that David Cameron, David Beckham and Prince Will I. Am were all walking round with their arses in the air, blathering about how wonderful and above board FIFA is and that the BBC are cunts for saying they're not, even though there is ample proof that a good proportion of FIFA's senior executives are cheap crooks.

Far, far worse than this, though, and this is their most heinous crime, they insisted on referring to the egomaniac that runs FIFA as "President Blatter". For their information FIFA is NOT a country. It's a shamelessly corrupt, bloated autocracy run by spivs, and the sight of Cameron, Beckham et al brown-nosing Adolf Blatter makes me, and surely every other right-minded Englishman, want to HEAVE. The fucking shame of it. It's worse than Blair getting it up the back passage off ole Dubya.

Every cloud, however, has a silver lining, and some good did come out of it when the US lost out to Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. The US will not like losing face to yet another middle eastern dictatorship, even a relatively benign one like Qatar, so look forward to the "discovery" of Weapons of Mass Destruction in both Qatar and FIFA headquarters, followed by Shock & Awe and summary execution for Adolf Blatter. Remember, you heard it here first, readers !


15th November 2010
Return Of The Mackems

A nice smack in the face yesterday for all the muppets who pretend that they're football fans, i.e. the majority of the people who were at the match against Sunderland, which Chelsea deservedly lost by a good margin. The lack of support was pathetic, and the sight of the miserable troop of champagne charlies deserting the ground 30 minutes before the end of the game at first made me laugh derisively but ended up making me want to vomit - for the second time in a week.

Don't let's kid ourselves - all is very much not well at Stamford Bridge. The team have been playing badly for weeks and have been lucky to win any of their games - the result against Sunderland was waiting to happen. If you ask me the problems rest with the management, who appear to be made up of ghastly corporate lawyers and commercial managers whose only concern is maximising their revenue streams.

They don't know anything about football and neither understand nor care that the fans and the backroom staff are the lifeblood of the club - not the tacky "superstore", and not Sky or FIFA or the FA, nor any of other bloodsuckers who want a piece of the action. The sacking of Ray "The Crab" Wilkins last week demonstrates this perfectly. Even if they had good reason for offing Wilkins, doing it at half time during a game and then refusing to answer questions about it shows a lack of respect and judgement that should worry us all and bodes ill for the future.

I reckon yesterday's result was good for football in this country because it proves that it doesn't matter how much you spend on players if you can't motivate them to do the business on the park, and, as proved by Sunderland, that means that everyone is in with a shout, providing they have some testicles and a management structure that understands the first thing about football.

As I half jokingly said last week, Roman should sack that cunt Ancelotti straight away, because although he might be good for an Italian club he doesn't seem to understand that in England when we're losing we do not shrug a lot and select reverse gear, we start fighting dirty and spitting at everyone. There was absolutely no sign of this attitude yesterday, probably not helped by the absence of JT, who was sorely missed. Best wishes to Ray Wilkins, who has done wonders for the club. The man is a Chelsea Legend who can stand up next to the likes of Zola, Osgood, Dixon and, er, Colin Lee. Just don't go and get a job with Tottenham, Ray !


10th November 2010
Courting Controversy

Anyone who believes the daft story going the rounds that Chelsea are thinking of moving from Stamford Bridge to Earls Court should stop taking LSD immediately. It's the usual bullshit, made up by a so-called journo who is too lazy to go out and get some real news, propagated by all the other lazy journos who are all watching each other for ideas so that they too can avoid doing any real work. Dr Les will know what I'm talking about, as he is a past master of the art of playing truant and generally acting the goat.


9th November 2010
Pass Me A Bucket, I'm Going To Hurl

I am still puking every time I think about how Chelsea allowed themselves to be taken to the cleaners by Fernando Torres on Sunday. Never mind the stupid excuses about Lampard, Essien and Drogba not being around, we are talking about LIVERPOOL here; a clueless, 70s reject manager fronting the most overrated team in the Premiership and the worst fans in the world. Roman should sack that cunt Ancelotti straight away.


12th October 2010
Mickey Mouse Is Dead

Good day, readers, I trust you are enjoying the shenanigans at Liverpoo FC as much as I am ? Of course you are - who could fail to enjoy watching a soap opera featuring such appalling characters ? I am of course talking not about the American owners - who are what they are and are honest about it - but Liverpoo's ridiculous fans.

I have been chortling with enjoyment at those lovable scousers' antics in trying to make out that Liverpool have still got something to offer, and that the world doesn't deserve to lose such a mighty edifice as Anfield, etc etc. "Yanks Out !" they cry, at the same time as trying to flog their dead horse of a club to.... yes, more yanks ! You just could not make it up. What a bunch of absolute fucking wankers.

Well that's the good bit over, now the bad news: both Les and Klaus have been active over the past few days and have decided to bombard me with more poison pen letters. Les is taking it very personally that I censored his rant against England hero Nobby Stiles and is demanding satisfaction.

European correspondent Klaus, meanwhile, has written a considered piece making some excellent points regarding the demise of once-great football club Liverpoo. No doubt those lovable mickey mousers will disagree, but who cares what they think ?


1st October 2010
Les Goes Over To The Dark Side

Confirmation that Les is losing the plot arrived this morning, in the form of, among other things, a hateful rant against one of England's footballing heroes. Some of it is so vile that I have had to censor it, not on moral grounds but out of fear for my own safety. I reckon Les is need of some strong antibiotics to relieve the swelling. Read on if if you must !

UPDATE

Les is hopping mad - he's seen his censored letter and he doesn't like it one little bit. I quote from his reply:

"Priesty. Does your missus keep your balls locked in her desk drawer ? Does she force you to wear frilly undercrackers and dance for her while she watches Emmerdale ? Grow a pair, numbnuts !"

Ha ha ha, brilliant !


1st September 2010
Over The Line ?

Another day of misfortune as European correspondent Klaus emerges from the woodwork following a long sentence, er I mean absence. He's been lying low since England were cheated out of spanking the Germans in the World Cup, but has surfaced in Vienna, capital city of pastry, Nazism and incest, and seems to feel that now is the time to rub it in.


26th August 2010
Quackula Strikes Back

Bad news today as Dr Les has surfaced for the first time in weeks, claiming that he does actually know a thing or two about football. Judge for yourselves.


23rd August 2010
United We Fall

A good weekend for Chelsea, beginning with another 6-goal belter, this time against Wigan, and ending with Manchester United giving up all hope of winning the title by drawing at.... FULHAM ! What a bunch of CUNTS !

Nancy boy "Rhino" Giggs and his team of whining bum boys were well and truly cold-cocked with only seconds to go, thus proving that Ferguson has lost the art of getting referees to end the game whenever it suits him by simply setting his mouth in the shape of a cat's arse and then mincing up and down the touchline, theatrically tapping his watch.

Needless to say, the cunts of the media and Ferguson are too busy soaping each other up in the showers to give Chelsea any credit for setting a Premiership record of scoring twelve goals to none in the first two matches of the season. Instead they are reduced to churlishly pointing out the bleeding obvious: that we have Arsenal, Man Utd and all them other wankers still to play and it will be more difficult to beat them than the Blackpools and Wigans of this world. Well, woopy fucking doo ! Even Dr Les, with his "fuck nothing" grasp of footballing matters, could tell you that.

I will leave you with the following pearl of wisdom, which will hopefully suffice to get you through yet another depressing week of intense brown-tonguing of Man Utd by our wonderful football media: fuck 'em all, fuck 'em all, the long and the short and the tall, cos we are the Chelsea and we are the best, we are the Chelsea and FUCK all the rest !


18th August 2010
Bell End Backwater For The Nutter With The Putter

It's looking as though the worst-tempered man in football, Craig "Bell End" Bellamy, has at last reached the bottom of the trough. Manchester City seem to have wised up to the fact that Bell End has got a screw loose, and have put him out to grass at Cardiff City. It's not all gloom and doom for Bell End, though; playing for a crap team in a lower division aside, he will doubtless fit in perfectly among the neanderthal rabble that constitutes around ninety-nine percent of Cardiff's following.

No doubt Bellamy will want to ingratiate himself with the fans as quickly as possible, but the usual method of scoring goals and playing blinders will not wash with the mentalists at Cardiff; they are not remotely interested in football, preferring instead to concentrate on trying to murder visiting supporters.

Perhaps a repeat of the episode where Bell End allegedly smashed one of his Liverpool team-mate's legs with a nine iron would do it. Or maybe inviting the crowd to join him in a post-match tear-up at McDonalds in Cardiff city centre. Whatever happens you can be sure that there will be a warm welcome in the hillsides for Bell End. If you ask me, they fucking deserve each other.


15th August 2010
It's A Rat Trap, And You've Been Caught

Football, the greatest game in the Universe. What am I on about ? I will fucking tell you. Chelsea deliberately put on a piss poor show in the pre-season games and the Whocares Shield, and wait for the pack of baying dogs to write them off. Job done - everyone and their fucking uncle, i.e. the usual suspects such as pikey-alike "Ryan "Rhino" Giggs et al, are encouraged to make cunts of themselves in the press, banging on about the wheels being off at the Bridge and all that bosh.

Next thing you know, Chelsea go out and cream West Brom 6-0 in the first proper game of the season. You just can't BUY entertainment like that. Fuck 'em all, fuck 'em all, United, West Ham, Liverpool, look in the dustbin for something to eat, Giggsy's face is a lump of meat, my old man said be an Arsenal fan, fuck off, bollocks, you're a cunt (that's enough - Ed)

Dr Les, Nostradamus' Apprentice
Mixed fortunes for struck-off charlatan "Dr" Les today as Joe Cole is sent off on his debut for Liverpool, while David Ngog scores in the same match. Regular readers will recall that only last week Quackula was slipping the knife into Joe Cole while at the same time loudly proclaiming that Ngog "wouldn't score this side of Christmas". I can only imagine how difficult it must be for Les to maintain his in-depth grasp of the game. It must be a constant effort for him to continue knowing fuck nothing about football.


11th August 2010
Get A Room, Funboys

Looks like Ricardo Carvalho is off for a reunion with his lover Jose at Real Madrid. Not a great surprise, as only last week he was chucking his toys out the pram in public, honking that he wanted out of Stamford Bridge. I'd like to say that I wish him well and salute him for his undoubtedly huge contribution to Chelsea's recent successes, his full-blooded attitude to the game and the sheer entertainment value. But I can't.

It's not that he's dumped Chelsea as soon as what he imagines is a better offer comes along, that's understandable and inevitable. What's unforgivable is that he's done a Poyet - while still a Chelsea player he's making a cunt of himself in the press, mouthing off about Real Madrid being the best club in the world, how he would swim through a sea of shit to get there, how Jose has the hots for him, and all that old tosh.

In other words he's taking the piss out of Club, players and fans alike by doing his dirty laundry in public in order to pressurise Chelsea into letting him go. That is contemptible on any level. I've got news for you, Ricardo: We are the Chelsea and WE are the best, we are the Chelsea and FUCK Real Madrid. Stick that in your crack pipe, "Dr" Les !


2nd August 2010
Reasons To Be Worried

Dr Les has been scratching his sores again, and has launched an unprovoked attack on nine footballing heroes and one undeserving webmaster. Forge ahead, readers, and the devil take the hindmost !


29th July 2010
Trumpet Involuntary

Excellent news - Chelsea Football Club have announced a ban on the the awful vuvuzela. These so-called "musical instruments", introduced by moonshine-crazed Africans at the recent World Cup, were a stupid idea that pissed off everyone who wasn't blowing one, apart that is from Herr Adolf Blatter, who clearly believed that they would fill the hole in the atmosphere left by all the empty seats in the stands.

Abuse of referees and politically incorrect chanting simply could not be heard over the infernal, monotonous buzzing caused by thousands of willing drunks armed with vuvuzelas. The resulting assault on the earholes - for some of us in 5-Channel Dolby Surround - at the same time as having to endure the torture of watching Wayne Rooney falling over the ball every time it was passed to him, was almost too much to bear. It was exactly like watching the game from inside a giant wasps' nest, and I for one ended up wanting to kill everyone in sight.

I am aware that there are differing opinions regarding the vuvuzela, but if you believe that they are a welcome addition to the English Premier League then frankly you are an idiot and an embarrassment to football, and you should fuck right off. You see my point ?


26th July 2010
Carvalho: Mourinho's Bumboy ?

Another Poyet-style, foot-in-mouth job from Ricardo Carvalho, Chelsea's error-prone Portuguese fullback, who has unwisely been using the press as a lever in his contract negotiations with the Club:

"If there was a possibility to sign for Madrid, I would go there right now swimming or running. Chelsea have a commitment with me to let me go this summer, for reasons which those responsible at the club and I know."

"It would be a dream to be able to play for Madrid, which for me is the best club in the world, and to do so under the orders of the best coach in the history of football."

"With Mourinho I experienced two marvellous periods at Porto and Chelsea. To have the opportunity to win another Champions League with him at Real Madrid would be something tremendous."

The grass is always greener, eh, Ricardo ? Go on, then, fuck off, and let's not be hearing any more of your whining. Only an idiot would want to leave the Famous CFC in order to go and play in La Liga, the last refuge for loudmouthed has-beens and girly cheats. I will be laughing my bollocks off come May, when Carlo and his boys will be running round Tottenham with their willies and the European Cup hanging out.


21st July 2010
Quackula Is Risen From The Grave

The odious Dr Les has surfaced at last from Wun Fatt Tit's Famous GILF And Opium Den, where he's been sulking ever since Wayne Rooney put England out of the World Cup. It appears that he (Les, not Rooney) is not entirely happy. He has sent me a defamatory email, mostly containing hurtful insults aimed at yours truly, but which also denigrates famous footballing figures in an extremely unhealthy way. Nice to have you back, Les..


20th July 2010
Cole Avoids Dole By Moving To Northern Hole

Shock news has reached me that Chelsea Legend Joe Cole has signed for Liverpool. This proves conclusively that poor Joe is still suffering from terminal concussion, in spite of constant medical attention over the past few seasons from the best doctors in the world. I mean, why would anyone willingly sign up to play for Liverpool, an average, mid-table club with a run-down stadium, huge debts and a manager whose main claim to fame is that he used to be an extra on 70s TV series The Sweeney ?

It seems like madness on Joe's part, but I prefer to think that it's because he couldn't get a gig with a top Premiership club because none were prepared to take on his increasingly lengthy stints on the treatment table. Unfortunately he will undoubtedly come a cropper with Liverpool, a club that focuses resolutely on the past while at the same time cynically conning their bovine supporters into believing that glory is just around the corner. Good luck to Joe anyway and fuck off, Liverpool !


19th July 2010
Dr Les: Dead or Alive ?

Good day, readers. In preparation for the the first game of the new season, where Chelsea will be taking the field against West Brom as CHAMPIONS, I have written to Dr Les asking whether he cares to give us all a good laugh by making ridiculous, outlandish and/or libellous predictions as to how things will pan out over the season. Unfortunately I have as yet received no reply. This could indicate any of the following:

  • He's gummed up his keyboard while watching GILF porn
  • He's dead of a self-prescribed drug overdose
  • The syphilis has flared up
  • He's inside for kiddy-fiddling
  • He's on honeymoon following a drunken whirlwind courtship with a ladyboy
  • ???

What's your bet, readers ? Let me know. I will publish the rudest and/or most amusing replies.


14th July 2010
Adolf Blatter Is A Cunt, Part 342 (Or How To Kill Two Birds With A Single Vuvuzela)

I will not dwell on the results of Herr Adolf Blatter's stubborn refusal to drag world football into the 21st century by harnessing technology to assist refereeing decisions. Instead I have a suggestion that would leave Adolf in no doubt that he is a terrible cunt, while at the same time solving one of football's most pressing problems: what to do with all those surplus vuvuzelas left over from the World Cup ?

Given that no sane person would dream of blowing a vuvuzela at an English football match, my advice is that anyone who has accidentally returned from South Africa with one of these vile instruments in their luggage should immediately mail it to Herr Blatter at FIFA Headquarters, along with a short note advising him to insert it with great force up his rectum. Job's a good 'un !

PS: fuck off, Liverpool !


9th July 2010
Priesty's Back!

Fuck me. Fuck me ! Got caught out badly when Yahoo suddenly decided to shut down Geocities, who were hosting my site. Worse, they did it without telling me and refused to let me get at my files, thus losing 13 years of work. Luckily there are some good people out there in cyberspace, and I want to thank Jacques Mattheij for his help in retrieving my files.

I will be tidying up the site over the next few weeks and will certainly be doing more regular, blog-type contributions (i.e. rants !) this season. I might even be able to persuade the odious Dr Les to send some more of his filth. Catch you soon, readers !


For the sake of tidiness, previous news items that have slipped below the horizon have been stored here. This area is particularly recommended if you enjoy pointless abuse of rival clubs, their fans and the gutter press.


I've left the following entry here for nostalgic reasons !

17th May 2005
Champions !
Sorry I haven't been able to update the site during this historic period, but I've been unconscious. Allow me to explain: It was Saturday morning, minutes before the Bolton game, when the postman turned up with a registered package from Hong Kong. My curiosity was piqued, but I was immediately distracted by the match kicking off, so I left the package on the hall table.

At half time I lurched to the kitchen to make up yet another jug of my patented cocktail, "Headfuck" (absinthe, vodka, brandy, vermouth and ginger wine, topped up with lager and garnished with a few drops of "Mr Muscle" kitchen cleaner). On the way back I noticed the parcel and made what turned out to be the fateful decision to open it. Inside was a plastic container of Johnson's Baby Powder. Naturally I opened the lid in order to breathe in the unique perfume that is so redolent of one's childhood. You don't need me to tell you what happened next, do you, readers ? Yes, that's right - it turns out that the "baby powder" was none other than 100% pure crystal methamphetamine !

I'm afraid the next few days are a blank - I came to my senses on Wednesday and the house looked like it had been trashed by a pack of insane gorillas. My wife was lying trussed up in the bath with what appeared to be pieces of celery protruding from every orifice. Ominously - and far more worryingly - there was no sign of the cat. I was completely mystified as to how I could have ended up in this situation until the phone rang.

Some of my more clued-up readers will have already guessed that it was Dr Les. "Evening, Priesty", he yelled, "Did you get the parcel ? What ever you do, don't open it - I'm coming over in a couple of weeks and will explain all when I get there !" Words failed me then, as they do now.. The man is an utter moron, but in his defence, if there is a better way of celebrating fifty years without a title, I would like to know what it is..

ZIGGER ZAGGER !

Anyone hearing those words sung at a football match involving Chelsea between 1960 and the mid eighties will have heard the voice of the great Mick Greenaway, a true Chelsea legend, who passed away on the 22nd of August 1999. This is my tribute to him.

DR. LES

By popular demand, the world's grumpiest Chelsea fan, Dr. Les, now has his own section on the site - a must for anybody with mental problems.. And if that's not enough, here's the Worst Of Dr Les..

Want to meet up and argue with other Chelsea fans ? There's a lively forum run by some proper Chelsea fans at The Shed End. Thoroughly recommended.


The Archive

December 2007 - July 2009
July 2007 - December 2007
February 2007 - June 2007
May 2005 - November 2006
March 2005 - April 2005
October 2004 - March 2005
July - October 2004
July 2003 - June 2004
January - June 2003
June - December 2002
May 2002

Disclaimer
I have no official connection with Chelsea Football Club.

This site is a personal tribute. All opinions are my own, and are the result of a
disturbed childhood which severely stunted my mental development.
To quote Friedrich Nietzsche: "He who fights with monsters might take care lest
he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss
gazes also into you."
Dead right. He used to stand in the Shed, you know.


A whopping pairs of nuts injured on the turnstiles since I stopped updating the site.
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right"
Marlon Starling.


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